In Spring of 2020, I jotted this down… “The past several weeks, I’ve found myself constantly rationalizing the extreme fear (mostly the fear of all the unknowns and everything I can’t control) I’ve been feeling and trying to justify my overreactions as just trying to keep us all safe.” It triggered a period of self-reflection on what fear vs. healthy precaution actually is.
I have type 1 diabetes, and my husband has type 2 diabetes. My father and step-mother live in town, and she has type 1 and my dad type 2. The whole world just shut down out of nowhere. Thousands were dying all over the world, and we knew almost nothing. There was no vaccine; there were no real “rules” to follow. We all went into quarantine, and masks, sanitizer, and Clorox wipes became our new norm for the next few years.
I was hyper-reactive to the situation. I was terrified I was going to die. I was terrified my loved ones, my husband, my daughter… that everyone could die without warning. I let that fear consume me. I rationalized my actions and reactions, because I was keeping us safe. I had to protect my family; I had to protect myself, so I could continue being there for my family. Being slightly OCD, a perfectionist, and prone to anxiety and depression, it was a pretty crazy recipe for disaster when it came to my mental health.
A lot of my fear was rational; some of it was irrational. The problem was that I was letting fear consume me and run our lives. I was driving my hubby and daughter crazy by being the “Germ Patrol” and self-appointing myself the Director of Health & Safety for our family. I got on their nerves so much by watching every single thing they did and touched. “Don’t touch your face – you just held that door for someone!” “Here, take more hand sanitizer – I just saw you rest your hand on that railing.” “Your mask isn’t on properly; let me help.” It went on and on and on… They took it all in good stride, because they knew my heart was in the right place and new my intentions were sound. But, boy, I know I drove them absolute bananas with my neuroses.
I finally had to take a step back and find the balance of fear vs. healthy precaution. I could still be aware of all the ways to keep us safe that my husband’s and kid’s brains just weren’t wired for – without being a complete spaz about it. I had been having full-on panic attacks just trying to go to the grocery store. I never liked grocery shopping anyway, but now it had become traumatic for me. I either had to choose to stay in the car and let my husband go in (not policing everything he touched – out of sight, out of mind), not go at all, or get groceries delivered and wipe them all down before putting them away.
We started taking evening walks, so I could get out and breathe the fresh air and learn to relax a little again. I asked my family to be more conscious of what they did touch and to use hand sanitizer after or use Clorox wipes to touch things, to wear their masks the right way, and to give me some grace through all of this. I learned to calm down, and they were as supportive of me as they are in everything else in our lives.
When they would jokingly give me a hard time about being the safety police for our family, I would gently remind them that not one of us in our house got COVID once! I had to be doing something right, even if I was annoying at times. 😉 Since then, we got our vaccines, we got our boosters, we used healthy precautions, and we got back to living our lives to the fullest like we always had. We’ve traveled, we’ve dined out, we’ve grocery-shopped (nope, still don’t like it much), and we’ve truly lived.
I’m so thankful for my family, and I’m so grateful for the lessons the pandemic taught me in learning to let things go, to let my anxieties go, to focus on total health (not just physical), and to just be. Did you go through the same things? Did you take any good lessons with you out of the last few years as well? Let us know in the comments! We’d love to hear.
