What My Depression Did To Me…

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I was back to my high school weight, feeling great, crazy in love with the best man I’d ever met, and loving life! Then, the end of 2013 happened. Some people I had thought were my closest friends betrayed me in several ways and went on a campaign to destroy my marriage. They did everything they could to destroy my reputation and destroy me. Some people just can’t stand to see others happy.

I wasn’t as strong as I thought I was. After a few months of this, my husband was worn down, and I started hiding further and further within myself. I stopped working out, stopped doing the things I loved, I lost my job, I ate all the time and very unhealthy things, and I was extremely sensitive to anything that even sounded like criticism from my husband. On reflection, he was actually extremely supportive and showed me so much love and patience during 2014.

I put on over 40 pounds that year. I didn’t even really see myself for months, I was in such a haze. I think I ended up in tears every day. My self-esteem tanked. I didn’t want to do anything anymore but sleep and eat. After the holidays the end of 2014, I saw a picture of myself and didn’t even recognize myself. I went to the mirror and really looked at myself. I had no idea whose body that was in the reflection. I got on the scale and realized that I weighed more than I did when I went into the hospital to have my child.

These revelations caused me to fall into an even deeper depression. I was so embarrassed and ashamed of how far I had let myself go. I felt like I was clawing out of this deep, dark hole – scratching and fighting my way out. One day, my daughter came up to me and asked, “Mommy, why are you always crying?” That broke my heart. I made a decision that day to get my mind right again. It was January of 2015, and I enrolled at Planet Fitness, got out the My Fitness Pal app, and worked on getting my head on straight again.

It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. Around April of 2015, I finally felt like I was stronger mentally again. My eyes had suddenly opened to all the excuses I had been making for myself and to how sensitive I was to anything and everything said to me. I realized that I took what anyone else said to me, and that was how I viewed myself during pretty much all of 2014. By September of last year, I had lost 23 pounds of what I had put on, my health was better, I wasn’t crying all the time anymore, and I felt a little more like myself.

body in 2014During the first few months of 2016, I slacked off a bit and didn’t make it to the gym once. As a result, I didn’t lose any more weight for the rest of the year. Going into 2016, I felt so strong mentally, knew I was so much less sensitive about everything, and recognized myself a little bit more in the mirror. I still had so much work to do, but I knew I could do it. I started using the My Fitness Pal app again and gave my fitness goals a jumpstart at a barre class. Instead of looking back on the pictures of me from before 2014 and feeling bad about myself, I then would look at those pictures and feel inspired to get back to work and be my best me again! I’ve promised myself to never let myself go down that path to depression again.

Fast forward to 2021 and coming out (sort of?) of a year+ global pandemic, and I still am trying to get my health and weight where I want it. While the weight has been a struggle to this day, my T1D is under the best control it’s been since 2014 with an average blood glucose of <100 for the past 90 days, I rarely even get so much as a cold, and my mental health is as strong as ever. This month, I am focusing on my water intake, going for more consistent walks around the neighborhood, and counting my calories again. My overall health and mental health is more important to me than what the scale says. It’s a lifelong journey for me at this point (and I’m not getting any younger LOL!), but it’s worth it.

I do it for me, I do it for my marriage, and I do it for my daughter.

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I was born in New York and lived in several states before settling down in my favorite part of the country - Midwest is Best! I have an interracial family that consists of my amazing and talented husband (Derek) and our beautiful, silly daughter (Adilyn). I work full-time in human resources in addition to owning the Cincinnati, Dayton, & Louisville Mom Collectives, write and illustrate children's books (search "Author Courtney Jayne Snow" on Amazon), and am a registered and certified nutritional consultant (RNC/CNC). I still do my best to be the best mom and wife I can be! I love art museums, the theatre, the zoo, reading, and parks. I'm a foodie and always love trying new places to eat. I hope other moms find either enlightenment or humor from my posts!

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