Juggling Grief with Motherhood

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Trigger Warning: This post discusses death and loss.

Grief is an inevitable feeling that we will all face at some point in our lives. I wish that fact wasn’t true, but there is honestly nothing we can do to avoid it. Grief is the price of love and I understand this concept a little too well these days. Juggling grief with motherhood is something that I’ve had to learn to do recently.

Typically, my days stay consistent and very routine. I am a mother of two children – a son who is 7 and a daughter that is 5 years old. Weekdays my life revolves around the school schedule. I need to make sure the laundry is up to date, backpacks are checked, teeth are properly brushed and just the usual tasks that come along with elementary school aged children. 

Juggling grief with motherhood is something that I’ve had to learn to do recently.

January 4, 2022 was just another typical day. I dropped the kids off at school, went home to have my coffee and snuck in a quick morning workout. I had just finished stretching and going to shower when my mother called me. She told me that my brother was in the ICU at the hospital and that he had coded twice. Frankly my brain couldn’t comprehend what she was saying, and I needed more information. I ended up calling the nursing station to confirm what was happening. The nurse, her name is Sam, told me that my brother was stable now, but he did code twice. I know what code meant, but again my brain having a hard time. I asked her to tell me the words “your brother’s heart has stopped twice, and we have brought him back”. 

I called my husband, and he came home from work quickly. I told him where the car rider tag was and exactly the time to leave to get the kids from school. I had no doubt he had the kids under control, but I’m a mom and taking care of my children is everything to me. Shifting my priorities to be with my brother was a hard gear to find, but I quickly packed a bag and headed to the hospital.

Juggling grief with motherhood is something that I’ve had to learn to do recently.

I called my mom when I was almost there, and she told me “Go to the front desk and a nurse is coming down to get you”. I arrived there and they said, “the chaplain is on his way down”. CHAPLAIN. I looked at the lady and said “Ma’am, is my brother dead?” As that sentence came out, I turned around to greet the chaplain. “Hello sir,” as he shook my hand, “Is my brother dead?”. “No ma’am, Mr. Yocum is alive”. His eyes told me something different though. I can’t recall the walk to where the ICU was. I felt like I floated there, and my brain was in a fog. Within the next 5 minutes, my mother and I witnessed my brother pass away. He was 42 years old when he died from Covid-19. In that moment, I just remember that I needed to call my husband. I needed to tell him that I lost my brother, and I was staying with my mom.

Again though, I needed to make sure that he knew how to handle the kids because I was… well, I honestly don’t know what I was in that moment.

I stayed with my mom in my brothers hospital room and eventually went home to my mom’s house. The next day my husband got the kids to school, but I knew I needed to get back home because my family relies on my support. I made sure my mom was doing okay and she had friends with her and off I went back home. I varied emotionally from shock to sobbing on that ride home. I pulled into my driveway and wiped my tears and checked the mirror as I didn’t want my young children to worry when they saw my face. As I got out of the truck, the kids opened the front door and my husband was right behind them. My oldest was the first to walk up to me. “Mommy, I’m so sorry. I know Uncle Troy died and I know your heart is hurting”. 

Being a mother while experiencing tragic loss is a delicate balancing act.

In the weeks right after my brother’s tragic and sudden death, they saw an array of emotions from me they had not witnessed. They saw me cry so hard and they saw me yell on the phone. I was helping my mother plan his funeral and they saw me stress out over how to handle that. They of course had no idea what I was doing, but they saw me stressed and constantly breaking down. 

It has been four months since Troy has passed away. I would be lying if I said I hadn’t cried about within the last 24 hours. Juggling grief and my daily “mom life” routine for my children, I have a lot of emotions that randomly surface. I’m handling them as best as I can while soaking in more joy with my family. I hold my husband’s hand and watch the kids play soccer with so much joy. Then, I feel it’s so unfair my brother is no longer on this Earth, and he is just gone, while I’m here experiencing this joy.

Grief is the price of love.

I loved my brother very much. I will continue to navigate my grief and praying that the joy my family gives me is the healing serum for these heavy times.

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