It amazes me how many times, in the 11 years my child has been alive, how much advice I’ve been given by those that have never had children. Many of those are in my own family. Listen. It’s all good and well to offer advice from what you feel you went through based on your: own childhood, babysitting experience, or position as a teacher’s assistant.
However, no two kids are alike. Siblings may respond differently to the same forms of discipline or learning methods. Until you spend almost every single day with a child, then you have no idea what it’s like to raise that particular child.
If you’ve never had a child of your own, you have no idea what it is to raise a child full-time, hard stop.
Yes, we spank our child at times. My parents tried out all forms of discipline for all five of their kids. My MIL tried all different forms with her very own five children who were each uniquely different. We got our butts whooped at times and I know it was always well-deserved. Before physical discipline happened, my parents always discussed our actions and consequences. Our parents did not take any pleasure in spanking us. It hurt their feelings to have to discipline us. We were spanked on our bottoms, after the parents cooled down, so that it wouldn’t be done in anger.
A good rule of thumb was always to be spanked in the amount of the number of years we’d been alive. After 10 years old, I didn’t have to be spanked anymore. Having things taken away from me or losing social privileges, worked well for me. We’ve done the same method with our daughter her entire life. We haven’t felt it necessary to spank her in the past two years.
However, over the past several months, we have dealt with a lot of: lying, covering things up, not doing schoolwork, being lazy, and feeling entitled. We have tried everything. Nothing sticks. We had a major incident with her school and behavior. We decided then, that she needed a spanking to try to change the course of her poor choices.
There is a huge difference between appropriate spanking and physical abuse.
There has been debate for years on this. Whatever your opinion is, we have made choices that we felt were right for our child and our household. If you don’t even have kids, I’m sorry, but you don’t get an opinion on how we raise ours. I have friends with stubborn and challenging kids. I know some of those same friends whose other kid(s) are so tender-hearted and gentle. With the latter type of personality, a stern word and look of disappointment has the same effect on the kid as a spanking does on the former.
It’s about learning what your unique child needs to be molded into the best human they can be.
Some of my family have decided to tell us how they don’t think physical discipline is appropriate. My family all moved away when my daughter was 7 months old. They’ve only moved near us again in the past year. They have no idea what we’ve gone through in learning about and raising her for the past decade. There’s a difference between expressing a perspective that you’d like to share and trying to force a parent to do what YOU think they should do for THEIR child.
I tried to warn them to just stay in their lane, to be grandparents and aunts. My childless younger sisters refused to heed my advice. They’ve done some cool aunt things here and there, but that does not give them carte blanche to tell us how to raise our 11-year old. Unfortunately, they have not been able to see their niece for quite some time, due to the year-long pandemic. My husband and I are trying to work and do schooling from home, trying to raise a wonderful daughter that will contribute to society one day.
My white sisters also have no idea what it will feel like for my daughter of color to grow up in a society that has been conditioned for centuries to hold Black women to a higher standard than white women. We have been talking with our daughter since she was a toddler about how many in the world will treat her differently. We tell her that she has to work hard to be the best and most giving human being that she can be.
She has to hold herself to a higher standard.
It’s not fair, but it’s reality. While she is our responsibility and under our roof, we will do everything within our powerr to give her the best shot at success in this world as we can. We want everything good that comes to her in life to be appreciated and for her to give back to the world in turn. That begins with her knowing that her actions have consequences. It’s not easy to raise a daughter of color in the United States. But by the time she’s grown, she won’t be able to look back on her childhood and say her parents didn’t give all of themselves to give her the best future possible.
If you don’t have a child of color, you don’t get an opinion on how I raise mine. If you don’t have a Black daughter, you don’t get a say in how I raise mine. Don’t have kids? You don’t get an opinion. Period.
How many of you moms have had to deal with unsolicited advice being given by non-parents?
