Extreme Mom Guilt

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Who else suffers from “Mom Guilt”? Raise your hand. I’m definitely raising my hand.

I’ve spoken to so many moms who experience mom guilt, but I’m starting to realize mine seems to be a bit extreme. I have never mastered a good balance in my life when it comes to being a Mommy and doing things outside of being a Mommy. Just because I do things outside of being a Mommy, including self care, it doesn’t go without extreme Mom guilt, which leads to not being in the moment or continuously guilting myself into feeling like I should have made sure she was part of whatever I was doing.

Lately, I have found myself doing a little more outside of being a Mommy because it was my birthday month. While it has been fun, I have been losing sleep over my daughter not being at every celebration. Normally, I would include her in my birthday dinner out with my girls, but she had other plans, which I knew were more fun for her. So, I made the decision for her, knowing that she would probably have more fun playing and swimming than being at a dinner with Mommy and friends, who she adores.

This all leads me to overcompensate in other ways and try to make it up to her, when in fact, it’s Mommy’s “thing”. I knew I would spend 24 hours away from her, and it came with so much anxiety for me. I even took the previous day off of work to try to make time up to her.

Four years ago I went to Los Angeles, for 46 hours for my cousin’s wedding, a trip which my daughter didn’t join me on. In January of 2020, I went to Atlanta for two days to spend time with two of my best friends. My daughter still tells me that she can’t believe I left her for two days.

I let her know all the time that she is my number one, which she knows, and how I love doing everything with her, but I’m trying to also let her see that it is healthy for Mommy to do adult things sometimes…even when I don’t fully believe it. Even my social media profile pictures have to include her. That is completely my “thing”. It is so extreme that I feel like by changing my profile pictures, with the exception of LinkedIn, to a picture of just myself, that I am detaching in a sense. I simply can’t do it, or at least I’m just not ready to.

See, since I have always been the primary parent who does it all for her, I feel like anything outside of her is letting go and almost feels like abandonment. That is such a strong word. That word and feeling is extremely triggering. I pick and choose what I decide to do, and if I have something in the year that might take me away from her for an “extended” period of time, I can’t do much more because it’s like I exceeded the time I take away from her.

This Mom guilt has increased with returning to the office because most of the day is away from her, and she feels it, too. I believe all of this has also increased due to the pandemic and our lives changing in many ways.

Transitions are never seamless, and neither of us are used to our pre-pandemic schedules. She tells me almost every day that she is going to miss me all day. It is tough because I miss her. Then, our nights are short and it seems like it’s all the responsibilities of the housework, dinner, bath and hoping to get some fun play time in. Then, we do it all over again.

I know I am a good Mommy, but I have to remind myself of this as the Mom guilt and feelings of not feeling like I can ever do enough take over. It is a daily struggle.

My loved ones remind me all the time that I am doing more than enough and that it’s healthy for me to be Shahrzad outside of being a Mommy. I just need to believe it more. I never want Mommy’s “things” to become her “things”. So, I always make sure she feels like everything is ok and we have so many discussions. But at the same time, Mommy is losing sleep over so many things and trying to do the extra stuff when she is asleep or when she has her own plans, so I don’t take away from her.

She is my number one, and I always want her to feel like she is.

I realize that this extreme Mom guilt I suffer from is more self inflicted than anything, and it is something I will continue to work on. If you feel an ounce of this, I am sending you hugs.

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