Becoming a mom has been the most joyful experience of my life. Becoming a mom without the guidance of my own mom has been one of the most painful experiences of my life. I lost my mom unexpectedly a few months before our wedding in 2016. We found out she was sick on a Monday and she was gone by Friday. There was no time to prepare and only time to grieve. Celebrating a motherless Mother’s Day, one without my own mom is daunting.
My relationship with my mom was the kind every girl dreams of. We talked on the phone every day. She was truly my best friend. Losing her shook me in a way I didn’t know was possible. It took me literal years to recover.
We struggled for a while to conceive. Every day, I wanted to call my mom and cry about all the hocus pocus stuff I was trying to hopefully have a baby. I am one of four kids, so my mom never had that problem. But I just knew she would have known what to say. The day I found out I was pregnant was a little bittersweet. I didn’t get to share that special news and long awaited victory with her.
I ached inside to see her light up with excitement over a grand-baby.
Every detail of pregnancy, early motherhood, and continued parenting makes me wonder if I would be making her proud. My birthing experience was not what I had planned. Nothing was like I planned. When being transferred to the hospital around 1am to have an emergency c-section, I wanted my mom more than anything. It seems like at every turn, there is a new experience I want to share with my mom or a situation I want her to weigh in on.
Holidays still hold a bittersweet feeling and her birthday is one of the only days I request off from work every year. Mother’s Day is a constant reminder that I don’t have a mother to celebrate anymore. However, I try to focus on celebrating the women and mothers who are still in my life — my aunts, who stepped in to fill a gaping hole in my life, my sister who tolerates my daily calls, and my mother-in-law, who is the best solo grandma I could imagine for our little guy.
This year, Mother’s Day takes on a new meaning again for me because this will be the first Mother’s Day I celebrate as a mom.
So, this year I plan to focus on the parts of being a mother that I draw from my own mom. From the silly expressions I use to talk to Jack to the omelets I make for everyone for breakfast on important days, I try to pull bits of the love and light she created every day for me and my siblings. Hopefully, one day, Jack will talk about the legacy I create for him as fondly as I talk about that one she created for me. That is how I honor and remember my mom on Mother’s Day.
