A friend of mine once asked me, “What’s your motive?” When I say she “once” asked me, I mean she once asked me for every decision I made for probably a year. She did so with the purest of intentions, and it wasn’t until recently that I remembered that and started asking myself that question again. So, today I ask myself – What is your motive for mothering? I wish I could sit here and say something super smart and full of wisdom, but the truth is I have so much to learn still, and I am not sure I know the answer to that question. So, I will walk through my thoughts with you.
First, let’s start with something simple – like the meaning of the word “motive”. Take a second and think about that word. What do you think it means? Webster Dictionary defines it as, “something (such as a need or desire) that causes a person to act.” When you simply Google the word “motive”, the first thing that pops up is, “A reason for doing something, especially one that is hidden or not obvious.” I personally like the second one better, but that’s just me.
I’d like to think that all my motives are pure, but let’s be honest here… when I tell my kid Chick-fil-A ran out of toys (because I know we have already collected all of them that they are currently serving), and I choose to get myself ice cream as the prize for the kids meal (knowing full well that my kid won’t eat it, because he doesn’t like soft serve ice cream), my motives aren’t exactly the most pure. I am really doing it because I selfishly want ice cream instead of a 3rd copy of the cute little book they hand out.
Another time my motives may not be so pure is when I tell my kiddo I can’t snuggle with them for one night because I need to clean, yet I go downstairs and watch some mindless TV episodes instead. Don’t get me wrong, I love my children, and most nights I love snuggling them until they fall asleep, but some nights mommy needs to do things for herself… have a little break, and maybe a little wine or chocolate? Are those harmless not-so-pure motives? Personally, I like to call those “self-care motives”, but maybe that’s because I don’t want to feel bad about it?
Back to the real motive of my mothering… Let me search my mind… Let me search my heart… Let me search my soul… My motive is LOVE. That 4 letter word that is oftentimes overused, but in this case it is 100% the correct word for me to use. I love my children (even though they give me gray hairs), and I love the opportunity that has been placed upon me to guide them through life. I don’t take that responsibility lightly and oftentimes, it makes me hard on myself.
My motive is LOVE.
Do you ever go to bed thinking, “Was I too hard on my kid today?” or, “Do I have enough healthy stuff on my ClickList pickup?” or, “ill my kid hate me in 10 years because I didn’t let him have a cell phone when he was 7?” or, “will my daughter ever get over the fact that I gave her a curfew that was earlier than all her friends?” I feel like if you ask those questions, then your motive is LOVE, too.
We, as moms, worry. We want to keep our kids safe. We want them to grow and learn and LOVE and be LOVED. So my challenge to myself is to ask myself daily, “What is your motive – is it LOVE?”
**Disclaimer: this does not mean you can’t get yourself ice cream in your child’s kids meal and eat it yourself if they don’t like it.
***Disclaimer 2: You will fail; we are humans and not perfect. If you forget to ask yourself what your motive is, that’s okay – we all have “mom” brains and are running off 4 hours of sleep and 8 cups of coffee.
