My parents separated when I was in middle school. My mom was the first of my parents to come out. At that time, we were in an extremely conservative private school, and my siblings and I had teachers and faculty frequently tell us that our mother was going to hell for being a lesbian, and we were going to go to hell, too. Their behavior really reflected what Christ was all about, right? Not! It was at that point in my life that I began to distinguish between religion and faith. So much of religion is man-made. Faith is rooted in what you believe for yourself and is so personal that you don’t have time to judge anyone else for what their beliefs or practices are.
Circling back… their audacity appalled me. My mother had been one of the most beloved people in that whole school and church for years. She didn’t change. We didn’t change. She had just finally been brave enough to be true to herself. I won’t go into all the hypocrisy that I witnessed during that following year, but suffice it to say: I had to half-beg/half-threaten my father to not send me back to that school the next year.
I realized in high school that I was attracted to more girls than to boys, but still dated only the boys. Once I was in college, it was a freer environment to explore the attraction that I’d always had. One girl I will never, ever forget was one of the loves of my life. She and I had decided, though, that we envisioned ourselves actually marrying a man one day. I married a man after that, I had a baby with another one, and I’ve been with yet another man for almost a decade now. My youngest sister is a lesbian. My dad came out as gay when my daughter was about 1 ½ old.
Those that hear our family’s story often find it hard to believe and always ask, “How were your parents together for over 20 years if they both were gay?!” It’s probably because they were, that they lasted that long together.
When my father came out to me, he told me that from the time he was a little boy, he had found other boys attractive and said something to his parents about having a crush on one of his friends. Growing up in an Irish-Italian devout Catholic family, my paternal grandparents immediately put him in camps and programs to try and drive “the devil” out of him. He was 7 years old! It’s no wonder he suppressed all that until his 50s, until it was finally more acceptable for the LGBT+ community to be proudly who they (we) are.
It breaks my heart to think of what he went through back then. My grandparents were only trying to do what they believed was right, but that still doesn’t take the pain away.
You don’t realize how the “traditional family” makeup impacts kids from the time they are born. When Ady was in preschool, she knew she had two dads and one mom, but her mom and one dad were together. On one trip to my mom’s and her wife’s house in those days, she asked her G Ma-Ma where she lived, because it was her Pumpkin’s (my mom’s) house. We all got a good laugh out of this conversation. G explained that she was married to her Pumpkin and it was her house too. “But, you’re both girls! Girls don’t marry each other!!” We informed her that yes, yes they do.
It was a shock to her that not all marriages look like mine and her dad that I’m with.
About a year later, she and one of her little besties “kissed” each other goodbye and told all of us parents that they were going to marry each other one day. We all told them that they were too young to talk about marrying people, but that we’d be happy for them if they actually did one day. We weren’t sure if she actually had leanings towards being LGBT+ or if it was just natural to say you want to marry your best friend when you’re little like that. We knew she’d fit right in with our family, and it wouldn’t matter to us. They only thing we’d have to prepare her for if she was lesbian or bi was that she was going to face a lot of challenges – on top of being a biracial Black girl in the United States.
She also had crushes on little boys in school or around the neighborhood the next few years. When she was about 8, she told him that she had a crush on her current bestie and didn’t know if she should tell the other girl. I reminded her again at that time that she was too young to even be thinking about relationships. I did tell her that the other girl’s mom might not be as open as we were about girls liking girls.
We told her that our family was very open and accepting, but a lot of society still wasn’t at that point yet. I told her she could always talk to me about anything at any time but that it would be best for her not to talk about it outside of our house until she was older.
At about 11 last year, she was all bashful around some new boys in the neighborhood, but then she also told me she thought she liked one of her current best girl friends. A couple months ago, she asked if she could talk to me privately. She asked if because I had dated boys and girls before if that meant that she would be bi too. She also asked if Daddy Derek had turned me “straight”. I chuckled and told her that’s not how it works. I explained to her that I fell in love with him, and he’s the only person – man or woman – that I want in this whole world. She told me she and this bestie liked each other and asked if it was okay. I told her that we would always love and support her.
When taking a mommy-daughter walk on Memorial Day weekend, she met a neighbor and his youngest daughter that was still living at home. The neighbor told my daughter that if any boys ever tried to bother her to send them to his front door, and he’d take care of them. We all laughed, and she and I continued our walk. As we strolled down the sidewalk away from their house, she whispered to me, “I don’t even think that I like boys at all anymore, mom, but that was nice of him.”
It’s OK if my kid is part of the LGBT+ community. I am. Her grandmother is. Her grandfather is. Her aunt is. Her one cousin is. Lots of friends of ours are.
