The title of this article speaks for itself. It’s fresh on my mind as I sit here jotting down my thoughts after my doctor just confirmed that I had a miscarriage. I’m not sure of my emotions because they seem to be all over the place. I kept a brave and happy face as I wrangled my two little ones off to school this morning in order to get to my doctor’s appointment on time. But if you look close enough, you’ll see the sadness in my eyes, the haunted look of disappointment and then see my anger start to flare as I work through my rollercoaster of emotions.
I’m not a puddle of tears this time around and I’m also not alone in this loss. In fact, I’m 10 years older than I was when I had my first miscarriage. I’m married now and I’ve had two beautiful little girls in the span of a decade. Over the last few years, it’s become more common for women to speak out about their fertility struggles. Within the last year, 6 women within my network of close friends, co-workers, social-media friends and family have shared their losses of miscarriage with me. Such brave and strong women sharing their experiences… and letting others know they are not alone.
I’m here to ALSO say that YOU ARE NOT ALONE!
Looking back and reminiscing on that moment of my life, 10 years ago, I was alone. Not because I didn’t have people to talk to about my miscarriage, but because I was so ashamed of myself, that I decided that I would keep it a secret from those closest to me. I chose to be ALONE. It took 2 years to build up the courage to tell my boyfriend (whom is now my husband) about my experience. So, today I share with everyone that #IHadaMiscarriage to end the silence. I won’t repeat the same coping mechanisms that I did with my first miscarriage.
I’M SHARING MY PAIN & LOSS.
Losing a baby to miscarriage or even stillbirth is a tough blow to bare. After experiencing this tragedy, a natural reaction for most is to keep our emotions at bay or hide it from those closest to us. As I’ve gotten older though, I’ve realized that compressing my feelings is never the way to cope with grief.
Here are a few ways that I plan to work through my grief and move forward.
Speaking out and honoring my loss
I lost a baby. Period. It doesn’t matter how far along I was. I’m valid in my emotions. I’m not afraid to share them anymore. My body is speaking to me and I’m going to share what it’s saying. I am honoring my loss by sharing my experience.
Dealing with feelings of guilt
Miscarriage is something that happened to me, not something that I did. This is my mantra for now. I have little control over how my body is going to respond in each pregnancy. My guilt should be around the amount of chocolate I eat rather than the loss of a baby. A little humor works too!
Helping my partner (husband) cope
I was not alone this time. My husband was by my side and was supportive during my miscarriage. It was OUR loss together. I was reminded that he has feelings too and that there isn’t one way of dealing with grief. We talk openly and hug one another. Coping together is better than coping alone.
Getting closure
Once my mourning phase is over, I plan to write a little farewell letter to the baby I lost. This article is the precursor of that letter. I’ll plan to write about how I shared OUR experience with others and how strong a mama I developed into by expressing my feelings. A friend of mine shared with me her explanation of miscarriage which is fitting for this spring season we are entering into – “When we plant seeds in a garden, sometimes they grow and sometimes they don’t”. My little seedling didn’t continue growing. Something to note…. I don’t think there is a right or wrong way to get closure, but I think it’s important to not compare ourselves to others on how we find that closure.
To the mom dealing with guilt or coping alone, I hope you are able to connect with other women to get through the hard times. I hope this article inspires other women to speak out about their miscarriage(s).
Sincerely, a mother working through grief.
